The bang and the clatter. The rattle and the wheeze. Bang, clatter. Rattle, wheeze. Bang. Bang. Bang. Bang. He is a man. He is a man who is smacking that cheap, plastic keyboard. He is a man of thirty-seven, thirty-eight years – I’ve never asked, never cared to ask – who shows the keyboard who…

Someone shot a bullet at my head this morning. I wasn’t as frightened by it as I would have thought I would be before it happened. I wasn’t frightened by it at all. Whoever fired the shot used one of those silencers, they must have done, because I didn’t hear firing, just the whistle of…

Some years ago, long before he became Fu Manchu, Fu learned the secret of extending life. He stole it – although he claimed it was fair exchange – from a sect of monks whose commune he swept and cleaned for seven years. The monks, peculiarly for their sort, did not sweep and clean their own…

There’s this guy I know, he’s ten feet tall, he’s got a flying machine. Where it’s not bars it’s cogs; where it’s not cogs, it’s wheels. He flies to Mars, and comes down splashing in a huge ocean. Now can you explain that, I say to him, how the red planet has water and you…

Sir I am writing to you because I have often read that you are a fighter for justice, and there has been no justice done in my case. I do not doubt that I deserve some punishment – I did a crime and I believe that I should pay the price for being caught –…

I can hear the scratch of the tyres on gravel, but by the time I reach the window the car has disappeared and through the bars I can see only trees. What did I hope to do? Take his number? Perks is too clever for that. He will have removed the number. For him it…

A few weeks after that, I saw Perks in the street. I hailed him and he stopped to talk. Why Perks, I said, I haven’t seen you since Mapoto Gorge. He looked puzzled. I’m sorry, old chap, it’s not ringing a bell. Mapoto Gorge. Summer of 18—. A battalion of Her Majesty’s finest facing up…

She pushes the suds over the plate. She is looking at it. Soap runs down her arm, drips back on to her shirt. She uses a nail to scrape it, a little something the soap wouldn’t shift. She wipes her hands on a towel. Suds remain, just a few. She runs the cold tap to…

So I’m sitting here with this chick, and I’m looking at the chick, and she’s looking at me. I’m looking at her, she’s looking at me. I’m looking at her, she’s looking at her book. I’m looking at her legs. Short skirt, bit of thigh. Shifts in her seat, more thigh. Eyeful of thigh. Lick…

I realised I was doomed when the clairvoyant offered my money back. She couldn’t even be bothered to lie about my fortune. All she needed to do was say, I see great riches, but no, professional pride stopped her. She saw only greyness and so did I. I sighed and waved the money away. She…